Product Review: Para-hell-ogram Nipple Clamps
In October 2021, Lexual Romance (of Off The Cuffs Podcast fame) published a review of the Para-hell-ogram Nipple Clamps
Nipple clamps will forever be one of my favorite types of toys. I’ve reviewed several in the past, but I still struggle to find clamps that satisfy my desire for sadism, and are both intense and creative. Most of the clamps in my collection are dollar store clips that I’ve co-opted as clamps, until today. Yes, dear reader, I have finally found someone whose desire for total-nipple-carnage matches my own, and it’s the lovely person behind the design of the Para-Hell-Ogram Nipple Clamps from Terrible Toyshop.
Terrible Toyshop is up front about who they are. Their “About Us” page states it plainly: “Terrible Toyshop Is The Worst.” They’re a small company born out of a kinky maker space in Toronto whose mission is “to torture the internet with our unique sadistic inventions, as well as remixes of classic kinky toys to satisfy all your freaky pleasures”. Say no more, Terrible Toyshop, I’m sold.
What makes Terrible Toyshop stand out is their brightly colored 3-D printed products and absolutely bonkers (read: whimsical and sadistic) designs. I’ve had my eye on them for a while, and when we finally spoke I was ecstatic that they wanted to work with us. We were sent six different fun and sadistic toys to test, and as previously mentioned, the first one I tried out was the Para-Hell-Ograms.
Luckily, you don’t have to have passed geometry class to understand this toy—the Para-Hell-Ograms consist of two platforms with angular teeth that run in opposite directions. As you tighten the top of the toy, it compresses down onto your nipple while also giving it a slight twist. The two inches of teeth clamp down and hold with expert precision. They also stay on very well without too much pressure. To be honest, these may be the most secure nipple clamps I have used barring the Stockroom Talons. This makes them extra fun, because you can press down/tug/twist/hang more weights off them without worrying about them popping off. The sadistic possibilities are endless! I was skeptical about the usability of the clamps when I first got them, but after fiddling with them for a bit I found them quite simple to use.
Within the short time that I’ve used these clamps, they have quickly become my favorite. The amount of fine tuning you can do to make the sensation more or less painful while also staying on the nipple is something you can’t do with most other clamps. The sensation is also extremely satisfying—it feels sharp and bitey while simultaneously providing a consistent pressure across a wide surface area. I think it might be something like stepping on a nail bed—sharp, but somehow not too sharp. It’s difficult for me personally to say where they rank on a pain scale, because as I have talked about at-length, my nipples seem to be much heartier than most other people’s. For me, the Para-Hell-Ograms can be either mild-to-medium or medium-to-high pain, which is impressive.
Did I mention the huge teeth marks they leave behind when you take them off? I removed them after wearing them for just ten minutes and they left my nipples looking like Ruffles potato chips. This is fun and novel for me, but it’s something you’ll want to consider if you are worried about marks. The way I play, I often have scabs or bruises on my nipples for days after, but I know that level of nipple masochism isn’t everyone’s bag.